my experience with religion

Religion is a weird thing. Religion is an experience. To some people, religion is everything. 

For me, religion is a feeling. Something I can lean back on when I feel troubled, something I just feel on random days. And I don't want that. Being raised Christian for me was bible studies and random people coming to my house every Saturday. 3 hours of straight yap about absolutely nothing I could understand. All I knew was:

1. You must pray.

2. You must not lie.

3. You must be a nice person.

But obviously, as many of us know, those are not the only rules of Christianity, the big one being: you have to actually believe in God and try not to mess it up too badly. Which, honestly, is easier said than done, which is probably why I stopped being religious from ages 10- 14.5.

But then, my first breakup happened, and my whole life turned to shit. I was crying my heart out every day for a month and a half, finding joy in literally nothing. One day, I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, contemplating my life and crying, when suddenly, I get hit with this... ray of holiness. It feels like all the weight has been lifted off my chest, and I suddenly want to connect with God. I feel at peace. I stop crying. My head is clear for the first time in weeks. I start praying, prioritising God, and questioning why I ignored God before this. And to be completely honest, it works. It was my way of coping. I wrote paragraphs to myself about how God is the only man I should ever cry about in my life, and how I can't get into a relationship unless I devote myself to God first. That plan didn't get very far until I started questioning God again. Questions that I could not find reasonable answers to.

Why does God allow suffering towards innocent people? Why is the bible sexist? What parts of the bible are literal and what parts are metaphorical? Will a good person go to hell, just because they didn't believe in God?

My mum is a crazy buddhist. The woman who knew I was lying after having a vision from the heavens. If I told her I felt sick, she would sit me down, make me close my eyes, and start rubbing her hands on my head and whispering chants speaking only-God-knows what kind of gibberish language. But it worked. It might've been the placebo effect, but her chants and whispers worked, from a mild headache to intense stomach aches. One time, I came home from a secret date with my secret boyfriend, and she asked me who I hung out with. I said my friend from school. She closed her eyes, raised her head to face the ceiling, and started whispering her gibberish again. Then, she looked back at me, smiling and giggling, hand stroking her... non-existent beard... Then, she said to me, "Do not lie, child. The Gods are watching". Yeah, ok buddy.

It became more obvious to me that a lot of religious people, especially teens, didn't really understand their own religion. They just followed whatever everyone else believed.

Religion in general started to look like something that people hold onto for balance, to feel safe, to have a blanket of comfort laid on them.